Written by: Paul Nyhart
Well here we are, commencing another week all while trying to recover from the week that was at Comic Con — what better way to kill time than to stare blankly at stories that do their best to stare blankly right back at us?
Just so you don’t have to feel the guilt of perusing TMZ or haven’t accidentally stumbled on one of Yahoo’s trending topics, here are today’s most dramatic stories — and by dramatic I mean vapid…and by vapid I mean shame on us for caring (Why do we care again…?)
I give up already, here’s the drama for which you’re clamoring for July 17, 2012:
Charlie Sheen did something good for a change, and no that doesn’t mean he successfully overdosed #TigerBloodFail
Sheen made what is reportedly the largest donation to the USO in its history – $1 million dollars or roughly 1% of his new sitcom Anger Management. Sheen originally offered to donate some of his grenade collection but the military said it’d be best if he kept falling on his own, yet it’s always good to have plenty of cash in case of a rainy day.
Sheen said (while talking into a microphone that was cleaerly not needed):
“They put their lives on the line for us every day, and I’m just happy that my work on Anger Management can bring a little bit of relief to the troops and their families.”
Speaking of grenades, $1 million is the same figure that Bill Maher donated to President Obama’s campaign; proof that anger management is indeed a very relative term.
In related but completely different news, Gwyneth Paltrow is making headlines for trying to sell a swimsuit for $185, yes the same price for five oil changes and a $185 bottle of wine.
It’s dubbed the crochet tie string bikini, and offers removable pads, which is undoubtedly where you’d store your wads of cash if you were able to afford a bikini that otherwise would soak up light in the brightest Goodwill.
Asked for comment, Paltrow didn’t, but did incessantly retweet anybody who did purchase the bikini, which again is black and covers most of your body (wet prevention still pending).
Finally, and boy do I mean finally, Kate Middleton, the princess of a country that has no effect on you, was the victim of a photoshop incident. No she wasn’t airbrushed improperly or not at all, she was superimposed on the cover of Marie Claire (The South African edition).
“We were so inspired by her fairytale wedding and her life as a modern-day princess, which is why we elected Kate Middleton as our cover star for the August issue,” editor, Aspasia Karras tells The Telegraph.
“The cover is actually a hyper-real illustration of Kate, meant to be a fan art tribute to fashion’s new royal icon.
But South Africa wasn’t the only publication participating in the fan art tribute – L.L.Bean’s catalog for Instanbul, which was once Constantinople, placed President Obama on their Fall cover. President Obama appears with his trademark smile, wearing a slick pair of slacks and a jacket that is too hot/nerdy to wear indoors yet not warm enough to wear outdoors, making it ostensibly useless. L.L.Bean is offering the issue as a tribute to the man they’ve always been a huge fan of.
President Obama was too busy to comment, declaring his favorite girl scout cookie on the campaign trail in Ohio (hint: only one of the L.L.Bean and Girl Scout stories is true. Second hint: the favorite girl scout cookie in Ohio is all of them.)
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Sneaker brand court-ordered payback: their "Kardashian-approved" "weight loss" sneakers did not actually help people with weight loss. In other news Captain Obvious is holding an emergency summit in Washington.
Are you attractive and thin and hot enough to actually shop at A&F? Chain to institute random checkpoints and hidden "floor scales" throughout store...sorta, kinda, not really.
"Five pounds" is not a dumbbell...it's a paperweight. The force is strong with this one....
Are we loving the Beyonce x H&M summer collection music vid, or does it all feel like overkill?
U of Ma Delta Gamma president flips her sh*t on her "sisters" via email tirade...is it possible to us the 'F' word that many times in one email???